Beyond the Bedroom: BDSM for Neurodivergent Folks

Bondage, Dominance, Submission…let’s talk about that! Today, Molly and Angela delve into BDSM—but not exactly in the way you might expect. We aren’t talking about sex, baby! This episode is all about understanding how the structure and practices within BDSM can support us individually as well as in our relationships with others. And you’ll get a first hand spontaneous and accidental demonstration of how Molly and Angela use those principles in their interactions together as Molly supports Angela when she gets overwhelmed with constraints on talking about her special interest.

Representation matters!

Angela loves research, but there’s a problem here. In her 30 years of studying human sexuality, she has come across very little research on neurodivergent folks and BDSM, yet conversations with many neurodivergent people show that they enjoy relationships where BDSM structures and practices are in place. Molly reassures Angela that it’s okay to be on that soapbox when Angela passionately exclaims, “[Neurodivergent people] are not represented in the research at all. And that has GOT to change!” (8:59)

Decisions have to be made

”If you try to make me make a decision, I’m going to lose my shit!” (Molly, 15:44) If you know, you know! Decision fatigue is no joke and it is something that can happen to any person of any gender. Understanding our own limits, knowing our partners’ limits, and being able to communicate those in our relationships is golden. Knowing our style and preferences in regards to dominance and submission supports those conversations. Angela talks about how all of this understanding helps to complete the stress response cycle and flip the switches from off to on so we CAN engage in intimacy, sexual or otherwise, with our partners (13:26).

Is BDSM normal?

Care, Communication, and Consent, “these are the three Cs that are the most important” (21:06). Angela and Molly talk about how these are present in BDSM and why that structure works so well for neurodivergent folks. We discuss the importance of co-regulation in our relationships and how the three Cs support that to help us have the relationships that we want and deserve. Molly talks about using them helped her advocate for herself by constructing boundaries (24:47) and Angela adds that being drawn to BDSM is normal because it “provides us a really safe space…that values consent, that values negotiation, and that values communication” (26:51).

Drudgery and Dreams Episode 18 Cover Art - Stimagz with Kody Lukens

Stimagz with Kody Lukens

Molly and Angela are joined by Stimagz founder, Kody Lukens. They start the episode off right nerding out over Mandalorian – don’t worry, no spoilers

Read More »